Archive for August, 2010

Rachel Uchitel Wants Tiger Back

h1 Tuesday, August 24th, 2010

Now that Tiger Woods is single, the first whore among the many to be revealed in the months following his car accident is ready to “give up everything” to get him back again. It’s just like a fairytale, if fairytales had more golden showers and butt sex in them. TMZ says:

Rachel Uchitel has just told a very close friend that she wants [Tiger] back.

The friend — someone we know spoke to Rachel yesterday — tells TMZ Rachel said … “I feel horrible for him. He loved her. But he was in love with me. I hope he remembers that was real, and reaches out to me.”

Rachel added, “I’d give up everything to be with him again.”

She’d give up everything to be with him? Does that include the $10 million he paid her to keep her from running her stupid trap to the tabloids, or just her dignity and self-respect? Sorry, but you can’t give away what you don’t already have. I checked.

Related Stories

UPDATE: The Situation to Make $5 Million, Jois DWTS

h1 Tuesday, August 24th, 2010

You might want to take off your belt and your shoelaces before you read this — Jersey Shore asswipe Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is set to make more then $5 million dollars this year… and there are reports that that amount could even double in 2011. The Daily Mail says:

The star is also earning nearly $60,000 per episode after bonus incentives, while earning up to $50,000 for celebrity appearance fees.

There is talk of an autobiography called ‘Here’s the Situation’ which has earned Sorrentino a six-figure book advance.

Alongside the usual celebrity supply of endorsements (Vitamin Water, Reebok), there is a ‘GTL’ app and a rap song on iTunes.

As if all that weren’t enough, the star might appear on the big screen as he is in talk with various Hollywood production companies.

Not to mention The Situation Brand vodka coming to a liquor store near you. Hope you like the taste of nipple sweat and L.A. Looks. According to TMZ:

The “Jersey Shore” money machine scored a $400,000 signing bonus to be the spokesman for a vodka company called Devotion.

But this ain’t no ordinary booze — Devotion contains a clear protein called Casein, which can support an increase in lean body mass and a decrease in body fat if the user is also on some sort of weight training program.

We’re told The Sitch’s brother, Marc Sorrentino, brokered the deal through the company they run together, MPS Entertainment.

It has muscle-building protein in it. Of course it does. But I think it’s biggest selling point will be that you can also use it as aftershave/genital disinfectant/tire shine. For the man who likes to look buff, smell great, keep his rims clean and chemically peel the stank of guido whore off his wiener. Available in half-pint, 750 ml and 1.75L bottles. Vaporizer attachment sold separately.

UPDATE: And now he’s joining the cast of next season’s “Dancing with the Stars.” Because there’s no such thing as overexposure.

At the New Now Next awards earlier this year:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Related Stories

Happy National Waffle Day!

h1 Tuesday, August 24th, 2010

S.S. Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren Officially Divorce

h1 Monday, August 23rd, 2010

It’s official — Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren are legally divorced. Yahoo News says:

Tiger Woods and his wife officially divorced Monday, nine months after his middle-of-the-night car crash outside his home set off shocking revelations that golf’s biggest star had been cheating on his wife. The couple had married in October 2004 in Barbados and have two children, 3 and 1.

“We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future,” they said in a statement released by attorneys. “While we are no longer married, we are the parents of two wonderful children and their happiness has been, and will always be, of paramount importance to both of us.”

Terms of the divorce were not released, except that they will “share parenting” of their 3-year-old daughter, Sam, and 19-month-old son, Charlie.

Well, I guess this was a long time coming. Elin might be a Swedish swimsuit model with a rack sculpted by the hand of God himself, but she’s no Perkin’s waitress. She doesn’t even have a real spiral perm or any facial moles or anything. Honestly, I’m surprised it lasted as long as it did.

I repeat, NOT a Perkins waitress:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Related Stories

This Viral Video Of A Drunk Guy On A Hill Is Very Zen

h1 Monday, August 23rd, 2010

This video is everywhere today, and I think I like it a lot.  There’s something really calming about watching it.  It’s like the sound of a babbling brook, but instead of a brook, it’s a drunk guy.  And instead of babbling he’s trying to walk.  It almost looks like Tai Chi.  It’s so unusually graceful. You know, until he falls down at the end.

Do you feel more relaxed now?  I bet you do.  This guy is acupuncture for your eyes (in a good way, not an eye bleedy way).

Good job, Buzzfeed.  Maintain.

The Jackass 3-D Trailer Is, As Expected, Way Too Exciting

h1 Friday, August 6th, 2010

Of the crap I actually got into at Comic-Con (approximately one one-billionth of the events), no teaser footage made me quite as giddily excited as the sneak peek of Jackass 3-D, some of which can be viewed in the new trailer below (the 3-D projectile sh*t part has been omitted).

I can’t really describe my still-thriving excitement for all things Jackass after all these years — I could cop out and chalk it up to nostalgia, or attempt to rationalize my enjoyment as some low-brow “break from real films” escapism, but really, Jackass still just makes me laugh more than I can help it, and instead of outgrowing it as I’ve aged, I’ve simply gained more confidence to proudly admit that fact.

Trailer Park Movies | MySpace Video