Archive for May, 2009

Britney Spears Goes Menstrual

h1 Thursday, May 28th, 2009

britney spears period

Britney Spears might have cleaned up her act, but don’t expect her to wipe or wear a tampon anytime soon. According to Page Six

The pop tart took time off from her “Circus” tour to do an Elle magazine shoot, our spy says, and it was a disaster. “They dressed her in all these beautiful couture clothes — and, well, let’s just say she forgot what time of the month it was. It wasn’t pretty.”

God, this bitch is disgusting. I bet it’d take a goddamn potato peeler to get her stank off your genitals.

Rihanna in Kanye West’s new video because she won’t make you think about uterine sloughing:

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The Adam Lambert Interview That Will Change Your Life

h1 Thursday, May 28th, 2009
BEST-WEEK-EVER-WITH-ADAM-LAMBERT-98.jpgAmerican Idol Runner-Up Adam Lambert Stopped By Best Week Ever with Paul F. Tompkins this week, where he shot footage for tomorrow night's brand new episode, airing Friday at 11 PM, as well as took time out of his insanely hectic schedule to sit down with and answer the questions we've all been dying to have answered. What follows is the story of that afternoon: There's an old saying that goes "Never meet your heroes, because you can only ever be disappointed." For me, this has never been such an issue, as most of my heroes are dead. In fact, the only hero of mine that I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, Ms. Joan Rivers, exceeded my expectations and beyond for being the most amazing woman ever. But lately, a new hero has emerged on the horizon: Adam Lambert, the enigmatic, timeless, sexy, talented, from another planet amazing American Idol runner-up who has turned the United States into a pigpen of lusty fanboys and fangirls, myself included. Having watched this season of Idol since Day 1, my feelings for Adam went from "casual fan" to "He is the Second Coming of Christ." So when word got around that Mr. Lambert would be coming in to tape a segment for Best Week Ever with Paul F. Tompkins, airing this Friday, May 29 at 11 PM, I was faced with a real dilemma: Do I opt to meet him face to face, risking the chance that I embarrass myself 4 Lyf, or do I take that old saying to heart, and keep my dreams and heroes at an arms length? The answer should be pretty obvious. And so I strapped a jetpack made out of dreams and joy to my back in an effort to rocket ship my ass into his heart. BEST-WEEK-EVER-WITH-ADAM-LAMBERT-99.jpgThe morning before perhaps my most anticipated celebrity encounter of all time, I was an effing lunatic. I straightened my hair with NASA-like precision, and tried to present myself in as Lamberty a way possible, hoping he wouldn't realize my motorcycle-inspired jacket was an original Lauren Jeans Company design purchased from the Hell's Angels Dept. Store of Choice: Macys. Minutes before he arrived at the Best Week Ever studio, a group was quickly forming around the door: Plenty of VH1 employees hoping to catch glimpse of this magical man, the crew, etc. One of the show writers brought her two kids to the set -- both huge American Idol fans -- and didn't tell them that Lambert was on his way in. The air was thick with nervous energy. And then... Ladies and gentlemen... Adam Lambert walked into the room. Tall, in a slim cut jacket that was tailored to perfection, hair perfectly coiffed, he entered with a big smile. And perhaps there was something about my GIANT BEAMING GLOWWORM FACE that caught his attention, because the next thing I know, Adam Lambert is there, introducing himself to me. And it went a little something... like this: (Ahead, our exclusive interview, along with dozens of Lambert pics with him looking ~fabulous~. Plus, we get the scoop on his bromance with Kris Allen!) BEST-WEEK-EVER-WITH-ADAM-LAMBERT-999.jpgMichelle: I am having a panic attack. Adam: Hi, how are you? Michelle: Hi I’m Michelle. We have so much to talk about. I’m freaking out! I adore you. Adam: Don’t freak out. Michelle: But I am. I just lost 7 pounds from excitement. Adam: Oh my god, are you serious? I need to start freaking out more often. Michelle: What!? You look fabulous; you don’t need to lose a pound. Adam: No I need to lose about fifteen. Michelle: I'll seriously kill you, you're gorgeous! Don't change a thing. Adam: I know your face from this show, right? (Ed. Note: I would just like to repeat this sentence because I just cracked my skull open, pulled my brain out of it, deep fried it, put some corn cob holders in the sides, and put it back in my skull cavity out of shock.) Michelle: (gulp) I was on the show a while ago, yeah. I've done some other stuff for VH1. Adam: Okay that’s what I thought because I was like “I know you, I’ve seen you before.” Michelle: (me right now) Wait a minute you cannot say that because I am shaking. Are you kidding? Do you know that I literally want to have your children? At this point, I believe it was his publicist who slowly backed him away from me, carefully, like one would walk away from a mental patient, or Gary Busey. He was then introduced to Mr. Paul F. Tompkins, dressed impeccably as always, with whom he was shooting a hilarious bit with for Friday night's brand new episode. We don't wanna give away EXACTLY what happened... but let's just say some pretty swanky glasses are involved:
Not to mention a pretty damn lucky CPR doll:
Let me also say this about Adam... forget his incredible singing ability for a second... but what an actor! He nailed his lines ON THE FIRST TAKE -- complicated words, mind you -- and had the sort of comic sensibility that one can only be born with. The entire room was cracking up from the guy -- be sure to watch tomorrow night to see the entire bit, because it delivers. Once Adam and Paul breezed through their respective bits together, I unsheathed my diamond-studded Wolverine claws, sunk them into the kid's back, and hauled him away from his throngs of glowing fans in an effort to get at least 10 minutes one on one. The poor guy had been up since the crack of dawn, and now here he was, ending his exhausting day with the ghost of Robin Williams: Me.
As we walked from the set into the green room, our arms were nearly touching: Michelle: Do you realize that you are a magical person? Adam: Well, thank you. (arms touching now) And I'm only attracted to other magical people. Michelle: (Click here to see animated rendering of me.) In the green room, a tray of fruit was set up, which we all convened around while bantering. But Lambert's clock was ticking down -- and while I would have loved to have stood there all day chatting about seedless watermelon, we had business to attend to. And it is then that THE MOST EXCITING INTERVIEW OF MY ENTIRE LIFE began: Michelle: Come! Sit, take a load off. I have a question before we start: Are you a fan of The Golden Girls? Adam: Not really, I think I’m too young. Michelle: Are you? How old are you? I thought you were my age. Adam: I’m 27. Michelle: I’m 27! I look like your mother, but I am. Adam: But I never got into The Golden Girls! I’m more Sex and the City than I am Golden Girls. Michelle: Duly noted.
Michelle: First of all, parents around the world need confirmation on this: You’re Jewish? Adam: Mm-hm. Michelle: Why are we not Be-fris? We could take Bas Mitzvah classes together! You name it, anything. Come to Israel with me this Summer! Adam: Oh my god, what’s it called... Birthright? Michelle: Yes. I did it! I couldn't turn down the free trip. Adam: Was it cool? Michelle: Well, I was the tallest person in the whole country, but yeah, it was great! Adam: Did you plant a tree? Michelle: No, me? Trees? Come on. I ate some hummus, got a tan. Did you know that they actually play you on the radio over there? Your "Mad World" cover is an international sensation. Adam: Really, in Israel? Michelle: I swear to you.
Michelle: What do you think of your international success? Adam: You know, I’m getting little whiffs of it. Michelle: Are you? I hope that’s not my D and G lady cologne that you’re getting whiffs of right now. I’m such an idiot, don’t even talk to me. Adam: (laughing) I love it, I love you! Michelle: Really? Say it again, so everyone in the room hears you. Adam: I love her. (Into the microphone) I love her.
Michelle: I have to tell you something. So my Mom calls me the night that you lost... Adam: I didn’t lose! I just didn’t win. Half-full, half-full. Michelle: Well, listen, your whole life is a win. Everything about you is "WIN". Adam: Yeah, exactly, there’s no losing. Michelle: I’m not even just saying this: you are magical, from Mars, I don’t even think you’re of this Earth. Now let’s talk about something the internet needs to know more about: Your Bromance with Kris. Which has taken on a life of its own: There's fan fiction involving you two... Adam: Oh really? Michelle: Did you not know about that? Adam: (laughing) No I didn’t. Michelle: Oh my god. Adam. Adam: I kind of want to read it. Michelle: It’s kind of… hot. I’m really serious, Adam, it’s so good. Adam: We should show it to his wife. That’s who we should have read it.
Michelle: Do you like Kris' wife? Adam: She is adorable. They are the cutest couple in the world. He is the nicest guy. He’s genuine. He’s totally what you see is what you get. He means it. He’s open-minded, and he’s a real musician. He’s great. Michelle: Was there anyone in the house when you were living with all the Idol people who you really didn’t get along with so much? Adam: Yes. Michelle: I think I know who it is. Are you allowed to talk about it? Adam: I can’t say. Michelle: Can I say it? Adam: Well I’m on tour with them all summer, I can’t say! Maybe after the tour. Michelle: Oh right! I tried to buy tickets yesterday. Look, when you’re in Newark, call me. Anything you need from the city, I’ll bring to you over there. Adam: [Laughing] Okay.
(Suddenly, Adam's phone rings.) Michelle: Oh... who’s calling you? Someone has Adam’s number, that’s so exciting, what a lucky person. Where are you staying? Not that I’m going to come stalk you... I’m losing my job because of this, surely. By the way (motioning at Adam's security guard, who is way hot) How on Earth did you end up with such a hot security guard? I thought there was a male model in the room! (The two of us laugh. Then I chime in, desperately) Adam, we need to be friends! No, you’re too famous for me. Adam: Be-fris? Michelle: Yes!! (The laughter continues, until I realize I'm being photographed.) Michelle: Oh, great, that will be a nine-chinner, easy. Adam: I do the same laugh! It pulls your face back! Michelle: It’s the Jimminy Glick laugh. Where you look like you’re covered in Styrofoam and you want to kill yourself.
Michelle: OK, let me ask you a question about your brother. Adam: Yeah. Michelle: Adam: You’ve seen it? Michelle: I have. Adam: Oh, right on. Michelle: He’s hilarious. Adam: He is hilarious. Michelle: And adorable. Adam: Yeah. Michelle: I know he was saying that a lot of ladies are interested in you. I’m interested in your friendship, just so you know. If you need a surrogate though... I'm here. So, your brother. He's hot, he's single, he's a Lambert. I'm thinking of doing a contest for the website called “Win a Date with Neil Lambert.” Adam: Oh my god! You have to! Michelle: Would he do it? Adam: Oh he would totally do it. He’s hilarious. He makes me look socially awkward. He’s that funny. I told him at the very beginning, you will get ladies because of me. Michelle: You don’t even know how slutty I am, so fingers crossed! Don’t look at me that way. (A camera flash goes off.) Oh photos, I forgot. Hold on, let me do the Monica Lewinsky turn so that I look narrow. I am going to Photoshop these. I'll look like the skeleton from Beetlejuice next to you, shrunken head, you don’t even know. Adam: I do, I love that movie!
Michelle: Did you ever watch yourself on the show? Adam: On Idol? Yeah. Well I downloaded the videos on iTunes. Michelle: Do they quarantine you when you’re in the house? Can you read stuff about yourself? Adam: Yes, I had a computer. I could read stuff on the internet, watch TV. I could get picked up by friends and leave. I had a curfew, that was it. Michelle: Now what did you think when you saw yourself on the show? Adam: I said “More makeup and oh I look fat and I hate high-definition.” Michelle: HD is the devil. How do you not lose your voice? Adam: It was hard. It was tiring. But luckily, we only sing two nights out of the week, so the rest of the time if you needed to you could kind of fake it.
Michelle: You’re going to be on the cover of Rolling Stone? Adam: (A lot of side-glances to his publicist.) Maybe... (The publicist announces I have one question left.) Michelle: Well now I’m unraveling because the pressure’s on. Oh! Let’s go through a quick thing, this will be fun: Favorite movie, tv, song... (his eyes roll back in his head) Is that gonna make you nuts? Adam: I’m not good at favorites! Favorite movie is Velvet Goldmine, I can say that. Michelle: Would you be the lead singer for Queen if they asked? Adam: You know, I want to do my own thing. I want to be my own lead singer. But I would love to guest star with them anytime. Michelle: OK, last question. Tell me... How short is Ryan Seacrest? Adam: Short. Michelle: Great answer. I love you. Then? Then we hugged THREE TIMES. Yes, my jacket is already being laminated for Smithsonian-esque purposes. And now, I can honestly say having met my new life hero Adam Lambert: He is every bit as amazing a person as he is a singer. Best. Hero. Ever.
Don't forget to watch Adam this Friday night at 11 PM on Best Week Ever with Paul F. Tompkins!

Constantine Maroulis Likes Boobies

h1 Thursday, May 28th, 2009
Here's ex-Idol contestant Constantine Maroulis giving a 'rock on' gesture at the kick-off of the Broadway Summer Softball League. He is also wearing a shirt that indicates an opinion.
Constantine Shocker
After the jump, pics of Constantine singing the National Anthem in his patriotic, red white and blue t-shirt:
Constantine Anthem Constantine Anthem 2 Constantine 2 Constantine peace'

Scandalous Lost Abraham Lincoln Letter REVEALED!

h1 Thursday, May 28th, 2009
Lost Lincoln LetterAs a fan of both history and making sh*t up, I got really excited when I read the headline: "National Archives Announces Homecoming of Long-Lost Lincoln Letter" A secret Lincoln letter? How exciting! What could it be about? Some devious plot? Some secret lover? Some long-lost information we never knew about our iconic president? My mind immediately started racing with possibilities for what this secret Lincoln letter might say: -- History shalle debate my sexual orientation, based on anecdotal evidence of my cold relationship with my depressed wife and routine sleepovers with grown men, but let me set the record straight for all of history, that I am not, and never have been, anything less than extremely gay. -- About that speech to the troops tomorrow in Gettysburg - It's cool if I wing it, right? -- All plans are in place to fake my death at the Theater tomorrow. Thanks again for allowing me to assume your identity, JOHN D. ROCKEFELLER (DUN DUN DUNNNN!!!!!) Why did I just write "dun dun dun" on this letter? I am referencing a contrivance in moving pictures. Stay alive for like 80 more years and you'll get it. After the jump, the REAL lost Lincoln letter:
Hon. Sec. of Treasury My dear Sir Mr. Stevens, late Superintendent of the Mint at San Francisco, asks to have a copy, or be permitted to examine, and take extracts, of the evidence upon which he was removed. Please oblige him in one way or the other. Yours truly, A. Lincoln.
...That's it?? All we learn is that Lincoln used a lot of commas? What a waste of time. Rather than blame myself for getting my hopes up, I'll blame history for being LAME. Yes, all of it. Yes, based on this one instance. No, I don't think I'm being too judgmental. Other ideas for more exciting Lincoln letters? Leave 'em in the comments.

Doug Benson Has A Wearable Best Day Ever (Not Sold In Stores)

h1 Thursday, May 28th, 2009
Can't decide whether to see Up or Drag Me To Hell this weekend? Doug Benson is here to help. Also, Doug brings you the latest in bathroom fashion, all in this brand new Best Day Ever.
Check out another new Best Day Ever tonight at 11pm on VH1. And if you missed Tuesday night's episode, watch it after the jump.
For more on Jon and Kate Plus 8 and the week's other big stories, watch Best Week Ever with Paul F. Tompkins tomorrow night at 11pm on VH1.

Oh Look, It’s That Ginger Granny Again

h1 Thursday, May 14th, 2009

Phoebe Price in Cannes

Phoebe Price astounds me, and not just because I can’t figure out what the hell she’s famous for aside from her constant campaign to be named the world’s most tastelessly unfashionable attention whore.  What really fascinates me about ol’ Phoebe is just where she finds the energy.  It must be so exhausting when every goddamn day of your life is like Halloween, only blind and retarded.  Today’s costume: Special Needs Flapper.

At the Cannes Film Festival (how she got invited is anybody’s guess):

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